I haven’t been writing much at all lately and have neglected this blog. It’s been intentional in the sense that I just don’t think I have anything of worth to say and that it feels mighty self-serving to just spew out my emotional innards into the cyber world when – in reality – everyone will take it the wrong way anyway. Or maybe not the “wrong” (since there is no right in wrong in expression, in my opinion) but not how I intended it.
Most of what I write doesn’t seem to be exactly what I intended or meant exactly either. It’s just how I feel at that precise moment of writing. Further self reflection makes me realize I left so many other feelings/thoughts/concerns/etc out but it feels odd to go and edit blog posts from days or months past.
One thing I’ve discovered recently is that I have an extremely delayed reaction to events. That means I don’t even know my feelings about an argument until much later, when I’m calmer and can process my own reactions. My therapist mentioned somewhere that I have bad emotional regulation (I can go from 0 to 100 in a nanosecond or I remain calm and “normal” when I should have no reason – death for instance… that will take days to even leak in. News, even with a close friend and my father, of that magnitude don’t register for a while. After my rape, I tried to remain cheery despite bleeding for days after and feeling nauseous. I even texted the ex boyfriend who’d raped me shortly after as if it had been nice to see him! After growing up being molested repeatedly by a couple of people, I felt the freeze response I experienced then kick in and my brain had to bury the trauma as soon as it happened since I probably wouldn’t be able to survive the reality. I knew nobody would believe me anyway so might as well make sure that everybody else isn’t uncomfortable even though I was.).
Anyway, I guess I’ve just been needing self reflection time in a calmer way. Writing or interviews always trigger the heavy shit that I just can’t deal with right now.
I’m in Kanab now, working at Grand Circle Bed & Breakfast. Been a nice job thus far. Hopefully I’ll be here for a while. It’s a good place to just chill and explore when I want to and, most importantly, to heal.
Anyway, happy holidays y’all! Just wanted to make some sort of an update post since the last one was super sad.
Hope 2019 is beautiful for each and every single one who reads this. ❤️
Recent adventure pics: