I haven’t been writing much at all lately and have neglected this blog. It’s been intentional in the sense that I just don’t think I have anything of worth to say and that it feels mighty self-serving to just spew out my emotional innards into the cyber world when – in reality – everyone will take it the wrong way anyway. Or maybe not the “wrong” (since there is no right in wrong in expression, in my opinion) but not how I intended it.

Most of what I write doesn’t seem to be exactly what I intended or meant exactly either. It’s just how I feel at that precise moment of writing. Further self reflection makes me realize I left so many other feelings/thoughts/concerns/etc out but it feels odd to go and edit blog posts from days or months past.

One thing I’ve discovered recently is that I have an extremely delayed reaction to events. That means I don’t even know my feelings about an argument until much later, when I’m calmer and can process my own reactions. My therapist mentioned somewhere that I have bad emotional regulation (I can go from 0 to 100 in a nanosecond or I remain calm and “normal” when I should have no reason – death for instance… that will take days to even leak in. News, even with a close friend and my father, of that magnitude don’t register for a while. After my rape, I tried to remain cheery despite bleeding for days after and feeling nauseous. I even texted the ex boyfriend who’d raped me shortly after as if it had been nice to see him! After growing up being molested repeatedly by a couple of people, I felt the freeze response I experienced then kick in and my brain had to bury the trauma as soon as it happened since I probably wouldn’t be able to survive the reality. I knew nobody would believe me anyway so might as well make sure that everybody else isn’t uncomfortable even though I was.).

Anyway, I guess I’ve just been needing self reflection time in a calmer way. Writing or interviews always trigger the heavy shit that I just can’t deal with right now.

I’m in Kanab now, working at Grand Circle Bed & Breakfast. Been a nice job thus far. Hopefully I’ll be here for a while. It’s a good place to just chill and explore when I want to and, most importantly, to heal.

Anyway, happy holidays y’all! Just wanted to make some sort of an update post since the last one was super sad.

Hope 2019 is beautiful for each and every single one who reads this. ❤️

Recent adventure pics:

Boring old Update

I haven’t told anybody this and I honestly don’t want to so am forcing myself to so that it’s not a nugget of shame that spirals further (trigger warning – talk of suicide and self harm) but last year when I went into crisis and some friends forced me to treatment, I went but still had the continued intense suicidal ideation afterwards (it eased up a bit but still more intense than I’ve ever experienced before).

My seemingly logical solution (it’s so not but it made sense to me at the time) to that nagging urge was to just postpone my suicide date so my friends could feel they did everything they can and so they wouldn’t feel any real loss after I isolate from them.

Now, in order for the urge to abate, I have to give it a date or it’s pointless. Don’t ask me why… it’s just the way it works for me personally. I’ve been doing it since I was 11 years old (“just wait until your sweet 16! “, “wait until you can smoke/drink legally!”, etc) .

I’m all about symmetry so I told myself on my birthday, when I turned 33 at 3:33pm. I had it all planned out… I would jump from Angel’s Landing (the other modes of suicide seemed too easy to mess up after much research and I didn’t want to die in a city but to be released back to Mama Nature. Before that, I’d bought a crazy sharp razor set since I thought I’d just let myself bleed out in the woods somewhere but that would take too long).

Fast forward to August, I start writing all my goodbye letters and even did a goodbye video (first draft anyway). I scheduled my trip so I arrive at Zion the day before my birthday… only to find out Angel’s Landing trail was shut down due to trail getting wiped out by rockslides or something. When something in me was relieved, I was quite surprised. I had been so stuck on this and determined but I took the trail being closed indefinitely and my unforeseen relief as a sign. If there’s one thing I’ve been learning daily, it’s to try to listen to myself – good and bad – without judgement.

So here I am again, at a loss as to what the fuck I’m going to do. I honestly had no intention of making it this far (again – I thought I wouldn’t make it past 28). I thought I just found a job on workaway – they claimed they paid minimum wage but when I arrived, they said room and board was more than that so I wouldn’t get any paycheck so I left.

I wish I was normal sometimes and my thoughts didn’t go to all this and I could just be sane and happy. Focusing elsewhere seems so easy for almost everyone else. It’s not for me. The more I ignore the urges, the stronger it gets. So I have to have compassion for myself and just acknowledge it is what it is while also balancing the fine line of wallowing in self-pity and being a friend to myself. I can’t be an enabler to myself. But the military style upbringing with no empathy that I grew up with also doesn’t work.

Super morose post, I know. Sorry! Hahahaha…. one thing I have to say is that seeing locations as if it’ll be the last views you’ll ever see feels bittersweet and made my travels a LOT more intense. The beauty struck out to me more – the chill in the air, dragonflies flying around me as I kayaked, etc. so there was this crazy feeling of gratitude and awe in every single place I went. The world is a beautiful place, of that I have no doubt. I just feel separate from it all somehow.

To cheer this post the fuck up, here are some photos of just some of the beauty I’ve seen

P.s. will update when I stop freaking out and figure out my few next steps.

Forgiveness vs Acceptance

Hi guys! It’s been a LONG time since I blogged.

I’m in Arizona currently since getting back from Finland (handling dad’s business as he passed away). Been doing some day hikes but mostly helping near the Arizona Trail around mile 200 at High Jinks Ranch for now. Decided I’m going to be using my blog to spout off my inner turmoils and thoughts. Might mix in my interspersed adventures in between but this is what I need for myself and for my PTSD/Major Depressive recovery.

March 25, 2018

I have so much to write. My mind is everywhere. Hard to know where to start or what’s relevant. Even just having written that, I wonder “Relevant to what?”. I tend to always think of others or have some subconscious ideal or measuring stick. So I’m just going to attempt to vomit out my conceptual ideas, some of which haven’t even fully formed and are simply vague feelings at this moment, and edit later.

Last night, I did my first audio Ho’oponopono session (Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness… Similar forgiveness practices are performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Hawaii, Samoa, Tahiti and New Zealand) and I realized I’m 100% resistant to forgiving.

I imagined my mother’s face in the section of audio where you have to ask them “Do you support me today in my experience and connection with God and Others?”. If they answer “yes”, you give them a hug and let them go. If not, they have to stand at this 3’x3’ podium you imagine for yourself in an auditorium. Then you say “I love you. I forgive you. Please forgive me” and imagine the forgiveness flowing from you to them

And I just started sobbing. Tears were just streaming. I could feel my inner child feeling horrible for making my mom sad and wanting forgiveness but my older, more protective, layer shut that down. After all, I didn’t shun my mom. She shunned me. That was HER decision, not mine. And imagining my father’s face (he recently passed away from alcoholism) was just as hard.

Maybe I’m just being defensive. I know I’m not a victim. That’s not my identity. However things DID happen TO me. To try to say, as a child, I’m responsible for my parents’ decision is absurd.

I find that so many people find “forgiveness” to be synonymous to “Acceptance” but it’s not. Forgiveness is act of pardoning an offender . Acceptance in psychology is used to describe a person’s assent to the reality of a situation. Yet there are so many help books and memes being thrown around – even this Hawaiian practice – of insisting we forgive and won’t be able to move forward without doing so. Not only the ones who’ve done us wrong but ourselves. I only, as of right now, agree with the latter part of that sentence. Other books claim forgiveness is just letting go of resentment. To me, that’s acceptance – NOT forgiveness.

To go into more detail of that and my disagreement with that concept: Having been repeatedly molested by 2 different people by the age of 9 (one by 13-14 yr old babysitter’s daughter and another a teacher at the Scientology “school” I was placed in after moving to the US), I refuse to say that I forgive them. I don’t. And I don’t know how granting them pardon will help me. Accepting the reality that it happened and that it’s now 20+ years later and I have a life to look forward to is something I can get behind. CHILD ABUSE ISN’T FORGIVEABLE. It just isn’t. It usually carries a life sentence for those wronged by people who knew better, psychologically speaking.
Also, am I supposed to just forgive my rapist? A man who takes absolutely NO accountability for what happened….? I called him a year after the incident went down and he had no recollection of it (Surprise, surprise) and brushed it off. I get it he was super drunk but does that erase the truth of what happened? NO! I have the flashbacks and vivid memories of exactly what happened to prove it. And I refuse to just let him off the hook. Who knows who else he’s done this to or will do it to.

Now, I may change my mind about all this the more I meditate on this and practice it in my mind. And, contrary to some people’s thoughts on human behavior, people CAN change. We can change our minds about things as we learn more and evolve.

But those are my thoughts for the day. Recovery is work. Finding that I have deep resistance on this subject matter is enlightening in its own right. Maybe (just maybe) there IS something to all this? Or maybe there isn’t and it’s just something people want to believe to make themselves feel better.

My inner skeptic and naive self are at odds on this, as you could probably guess just from this long-winded rant.

I’ve gotten some self-help books on all this so I can do more research. Will update more as I let it all percolate in my brain.

Toodles for now. Would love to hear stories from others about this – your experiences and thoughts, especially when it comes to acceptance vs/and/or forgiveness.

Interview with former Scientologist Saina Kamula

I’ve been AWOL for some time dealing with the aftermath of some loss and trauma resurfacing…. this tells a bit about it. Will be traveling and hiking again soon so will update more later. Big hugs and lots of love ❤️

Mysteries, Crimes, Curiosities

Saina Kamula is a Finnish-American lady who was raised into Scientology, but ultimately made her way out of the religion. She was recently featured on an episode of the television show Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath.

Here’s my interview with Saina.


Saina3

(photo credit AETV / “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath”)

1) Where were you born?

Stockholm, Sweden but both parents are Finnish

2) What does Finland mean to you nowadays? Have you visited lately?

I was just in Finland for about 1-2 months until beginning of August this year. Went and visited family after walking the Camino.
I lived there about 6 years ago or so as well, for a year or two while my beloved grandma was suffering from dementia and I wanted to be with her.
Finland will always be one of my main two homes… LA being the other. I have many family and friends…

View original post 2,421 more words

Estella, Spain

I woke up around 3-4am choking. Apparently I’d barfed in my sleep and because I sleep on my back, it started going down the wrong chute. At first, I panicked thinking “this is how I fuckin’ die?!? Choking on my own vomit in a random hotel in Spain?!? How lame!” And then I remembered I’d wanted to die the other day and could just let myself asphyxiate but decided that’s not how I wanted to go and I still need to finish this pilgrimage and see my family in Finland. This entire mental dialogue happened in the space of a second or so and I quickly coughed the acidic barf out and went back to sleep. Fun stuff.

Stuck here for another day. I woke up at 6am to gauge if I could walk and I still could hardly bring myself up to go to the bathroom so decided staying another day. Hopped in the shower and a HUGE thick glob of dark green/yellow snot the size of my hand came out of my nose which actually helped me breathe a lot better. I’d never ever seen that in my life. It was like the size of a clementine. No exaggeration.😳

Finally caught the pharmacy while it was open (they keep weird hours here in this town. They’re like open for 2 hours at random times, once early AM and then late afternoon). Got flu stuff, echinacea, diarrhea pills (yay!) and extra blister stuff just in case. I feel like I’m oversharing some bodily functions here but it’s my blog. If I can’t keep it disgustingly honest here, where can I?

Feeling a lot more positive today. I rarely get sick so this is a bummer but I’m sure it’ll take longer to heal if I’m mentally in a negative space.

Need to download for the previous days which were actually quite pleasant. Will post some of the pics here and put a bit of commentary next to them when able. I will then expound on all that later when more mentally aware (head is pounding at the moment). This is just 2 days of shittiness. The other days were fantastic so really don’t want my blog to represent the sucky part too much. Mentally, I really want to keep walking but my health needs to come first. But I’m not done here. Not by a long shot. I know I can do this. That’s not a question in my mind at all. Sometimes you just need a mental perspective shift.

The people are wonderful that I meet. Just the other day, when I was crying,  sopping wet and freezing from the rain and waiting for the albergue to open, some Italians walked past and offered to sit with me until I was ok which was so nice and made me cry even harder (whenever someone is nice to me when I’m upset, it just makes me cry. I’m more comfortable with people being harsh or ignoring me when upset, as bad as that sounds).

I separated from my walking buddy in Pamplona. Just needed to feel the feelings I was having and I couldn’t do that with someone else around, no matter how lovely. Miss her tons but we agreed it’s best for both of us.

Tried to upload a ton of pics but the wifi sucks at this fancy pants hotel which is frustrating but will just do a separate post when able. The support I’ve received from people on last post was so heartwarming and really, really helped. Thank you!! 
Some road walking (not my favorite but it was still sort of pretty) 👇🏻


This town is super old and this is the view from the rabies bridge (pic of bridge below this one). It used to be said that if you cross it 3 times with animal, they’d be cured of (or never get) rabies. The lepers would also be housed right nearby. Like holy shit, history man! 👇🏻👇🏻

Rabies bridge 👇🏻

Daily Baguette Service in this town! 😄😍👇🏻

Horsies!!!!! 😍😍😍👇🏻



I absolutely loved this day, when a lot of it was in the forests with birds chirping. Absolutely my favorite 👇🏻


Again, have SO many more pictures but unable to download. Been sleeping most of today and can feel my body healing itself so am very happy about that.

Adios for now! ❤️

Just over it

Think I have a fever. Achy, have chills, lungs hurt and feel like I’m burning up.

Having been made to wait for an albergue to open for hours while sopping wet and freezing wasn’t helpful either. I’d pled with the lady to let me come in earlier but she was adamant that I wait until 2 (and I was there by 11am). And they kick you out by 8am and no hotel in sight so no chance to sleep in.

Just over it. My mind wants to keep going but body is shutting down apparently.

It’s been enjoyable up to this point but when you’re alone and sick, it just becomes more and more noticeable that you’re truly alone in this world and you don’t matter. What the fuck is the point of all this? It’s easy to go down a dark dark path when already feeling shitty (which for me is  realizing nobody has even bothered to text me or would even know if I died, including my mom who doesn’t talk to me which then leads to darker thoughts and contemplating suicide. It’s always a relief thinking of it) so trying to keep my own morale up. 

Ugh. Hope I feel better by tomorrow. Been chugging Emergen-Cs. 

Will post lovely pics and things later if things start looking up. 

Thoughts

Thinking about life. Am I doing what’s right? People tend to give me advice about how working until able to retire is the best bet.

I don’t know if that line of logic is wrong but I can’t think like that if I tried 

I need to taste life directly. I want to drink the juice of life from wherever I go. Assimilate the culture and meet new people with new experiences.

People are what matter. Study them and their land. Learn. Grow.