Embracing It All

I was driving 3-4 weeks ago on the 2 (freeway) to meet a new friend to hike. An Imagine Dragons song came on and I started crying (I blame it on the hormones). I felt this tremendous sense of ugliness, like I was the ugliest creature on Earth, being this fat. Like I would never be someone that inspired such a beautiful song. Then a side thought popped in my head “at least I have my beautiful blonde hair”. This satisfied me for about a nanosecond but then I had this sudden and undeniable urge to shave it all off.

And then it dawned on me: I’m shaving my head for the trail. I’ve wanted to do it for over a decade, since Sinead O’Connor and having watched the G.I. Jane movie so why not? I’m already in this and there’s no turning back anyway so why not go all out and do it all? Why not take away the last vestiges of my vanity? 

Plus, on the practical end, I won’t have to deal with heavy and greasy hair on the trail. It will be sooooo easy to clean. Fuck it if I might have a lumpy head. I truly don’t care if I do!

Mind you, this all took place in the span of about a minute and the Imagine Dragons “Shots” song  was still playing and I just listened to it on repeat and cried in relief the rest of the drive. Something about embracing my self-hatred in this accepting way made me feel so free. I’m doing something I’ve never had the balls to do before!!! Hot diggety dog!! Yes!

Pictures to come, my readers. Beware, there might be tears!

The Things I Stick Inside Me For The Trail…

Got the Mirena IUD inserted about 2 months ago. I’ve gained an additional 15 lbs (ON TOP of the 15-20 I got from trying various birth controls for the last 8 months to stop my period). All this so I can prevent painful zero days on trail (I have EXTREMELY painful periods from my endometriosis. I usually get cysts that form on my ovaries that twist and tear and absolutely no drug helps. Well, maybe heroin would but I’m not willing to take it that far).

Oh AND I’ve been crying like a crazy person over the stupidest things. An old lady and her husband were walking their dog and I just couldn’t stop sobbing in my car. Someone’s nice to me and I’ll start crying. Don’t get me started on seeing the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty ad. I swear, my roommate thought I was going insane. He even suggested I see a therapist (NO JOKE!). I don’t think he believes it’s just the power of the hormones coursing through me. Hahaha

From what I’ve read (since that’s all I have to go on for now) all the excess chubalub should fall off anyway when I’m hiking day after day so I try to reassure myself that, every time the roll that develops around my belly gets sweaty or when I stretch and feel my back fat (which I’ve NEVER had before). And hopefully the hormones even out within the next few months.

I yoga at least 2-3 times a week, I hike every weekend and sometimes throughout the week – double digits – and I stay active otherwise, eat healthy and have cut off sugar (minus wine here and there). It’s absolutely depressing walking around with this fat suit on. I’ve never been this big before in my entire life.

God, I hope this is worth it!

Au Revoir! Fatty McFattelstein signing off.