So my therapist forgot our appointment but I can’t really get mad because she works with me on payments and has been the greatest therapist I’ve had. So I guess I’ll come here and make a post to get out what’s been in my head
Circling back to homework from her: I figured out where my stress first shows up and it’s in my hands or feet. Typically my hands. I have a stimming thing where I rub my fingers together. I do it sometimes to the point, I’ve frictioned off layers and layers of skin. I noticed I do that or start moving my hands around, picking up stuff or moving things around, once I start feeling anxiety (before it even registers in my brain that anxiety has escalated). So being mindful of that should be helpful.
Then I’ve been working through some attachment trauma. Trying to figure out what it is that’s been triggered as of late. And I just can’t seem to put my finger on it tbh. It eludes me…. yet I can sometimes feel it at the tip of my brain’s tongue but then it runs away while cackling and yelling at me “COME AND GET MEEE! Muahahahaha”. Taunting me in a way but I’m just not chasing it. When it’s safe for it to come to me, it’ll come. I trust my mind to offer it to me when it’s sure that it’s the right time for me to process it.
In the meantime, I’ve been trying to go daily (but it’s been like every other day), to go dip in the ocean and journal (in my actual journal where I use pen and paper 😂) . That’s been nice. San Juan Island is beautiful with its birds of prey and foxes.
Spoke to an old boss just yesterday. Was pretty cool. We had a misunderstanding towards the end but we’ve talked about it since. He tried to get me to go back and work for him at his haunted historic hotel recently. I’d found this current gig already by then. Anyway, it was just interesting and cool to reconnect with him. I had been really upset by what had happened when I quit that job but now it’s no biggie and we are both chill about it. I know that’s a normal thing to others but, for me, to talk to someone who my brain had deemed “unsafe” to now being able to just be adults and discuss and move on was quite heartwarming. I haven’t had that with many people (mostly because I don’t feel acknowledged or am gaslit when I try to discuss it to but still).
Seems like everyone is gearing up for adventures. My friend who I met on the West Highland Way and continued on with on the Great Glen Way, is now walking South West Coast Path in the UK. He’s a wild one. Been to & drummed in every continent (he’s a drummer amongst other things) while on the cheapest budget I’ve ever seen (and without being a begpacker). He just puts a sign on his pack and people offer him meals and boarding. I strive for that level of faith in humanity!
While others are headed to Europe, Japan amongst other foreign lands. Just imagining their travels when they tell me about it gets my wanderlust juices flowing. I love seeing people doing these incredible trips. Just reinforces my love for travelers and nomads.
And makes me start thinking of creating my next journey. I’ve been doing a workbook by The Holistic Psychologist called “How To Meet Yourself” and it’s been having me do these visualizations about my future self and my mind was blown. I have never fully visualized what my future self looked like. Simply because I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation since 8 years old in Scientology and never even planned or expected myself to have lasted this long. I was convinced I’d die at 28. I had no evidence of it but I really felt I would be dead by then. And I kept rescheduling my suicide date year after year after that. Now I’m 37. Isn’t that crazy? And sad…. But not going to dwell on it in that way because visualizing my future self has mostly been so exciting. And calming. It’s like there’s more purpose to it all if I’m now striving for this higher/elder self. Even writing this now, I get a bit teary because it’s really hitting me at how wild that is. Most people are planning their lives or have parents trying to plan their lives for them from birth. I’ve been in such survival mode, I didn’t even realize how intensely I’ve been there and for how long.
That’s some fatty food for thought. Gonna leave it at that for now because I need to let that marinate in my brain a bit longer.Continue reading