Judgement

I’ve been thinking about judgement a lot lately. Consumed by thoughts of it is more like it.

I thought I was on top of my judgement but realized it goes much, much deeper than I even consciously realized once I started to be mindful about it.

More specifically, the moment I realized this was when I went to see an energy healer in Sedona. She asked me if I was ready for someone to come into my life (relationship-wise) since apparently someone was coming (WHERE ARE YOU MYSTERY PERSON??) and I told her I was focusing solely on myself at the moment, trying to become my better self. She pointed out to me that exactly who I was, in that moment, was already my best self. It was then that I realized that even though I was trying to not judge, I automatically did so – especially with myself – constantly.

Who was this supposed “better self” I was trying to become? What ideal or measuring stick was I comparing myself to? By definition, judgement is just that (“To draw conclusions from evidence and evaluate events and people”) but other than for safety purposes, what does judging people or things or places do for us, really? Like with most survival mechanisms, it seems judgement has taken such a forefront in most people’s reasoning that it’s so firmly lodged in our brains that it’s become second nature to judge EVERYTHING and EVERYONE yet it doesn’t truly offer us anything except for helping to enforce our egos with the few exceptions of actual caution (ie, “is this shaky bridge safe to walk on?”, “should I get into this stranger’s car and take him up on offer of a ride into town”, etc).

Might sound hokey but the more I meditate on this and think about it, it really feels judgement is just the enforcer of our egos.

Even in long distance hikes, one of the main questions you’ll get from people is where you started and – towards the end of the day – how many miles you hiked that day. And the ONLY reason people ask this is, if we’re being brutally open and honest, is to compare their mileage to yours. But why? Again, it’s so they can see how they stack up against you and if they did more miles than you, then they feel proud of themselves or something similar to that effect. But why should that matter? I always thought it odd that conversations would usually revolve around comparing each others hikes when you should be hiking your own hike.

I’m personally much more interested as to WHY people hike long distance trails and any epiphanies or tribulations they might have come across along the way or any funny poop stories. Every person’s body is different. Whether someone hikes 10 miles or 30 shouldn’t matter. It just shouldn’t. Not to say it’s not inspiring when someone is kicking ass (looking at you Heather “Anish” Anderson , Scott Williamson and all the other record breakers) but we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not keeping up and should just embrace our own pace and intention for each hike.

Even in social media and media, where it’s flagrant, I’ve tried to stop judging. For instance, I used to think I HATED the Kardashians but then I saw an interview with Kim Kardashian and thought she came off as quite intelligent and loyal to her friends (the host tried to get some gossip from her but she didn’t spill). I found that to be quite eye opening since I like to think that I think for myself but I wasn’t. I had unconsciously bought into this Kardashian hate club bandwagon despite not knowing who the fuck these people were in real life. Celebrities get the brunt of this. We think we know what they’re like because they’re in the public eye when, in reality, we have no clue.

It’s crazy to think a life of this judgemental programming is built into me. Not sure how to dismantle it but I guess being mindful about it is the first step.

Even such basic human morals come from a place of judgement. What is bad? What is good? We’ve all decided as a society that anything that hurts more than it helps is bad and vice versa. I get the survival logic of that but it opens up the door for human arbitrary decisions in life and in institutions – like in criminal and civil court systems – and allows us to be unnecessarily governed instead of just being able to be human beings living on Earth.
One judge might decide one guy deserves to be locked up while another judge might decide another guy, somewhere else, doesn’t yet they committed exact same crime with very similar consequences.
We might see one guy who’s dirty on the streets and think badly of them yet think kind thoughts about the good looking guy in a suit (who could be a pedophile for all we know! And the dirty man could’ve served his country bravely for many years).

Racism, nepotism, political divide and bigotry of any kind is based in ego. It tells us our views, our race or whatever else is better than another’s. Without judgement doing its thing in between though, our ego wouldn’t be able to know that. Can you imagine? Being able to hold space for others with opposing perspectives without it triggering that sense of danger that we intuitively feel when someone threatens us with an opposing belief? I think it can be done by taking out that judgement process in between. I really believe that… although, even now in rereading this, I think “that’s quite naive, Saina” which is absolutely judge-y.

We don’t know the truth if we don’t keep an honestly open mind. It will be shaded with our own judgement of the reality. Truth doesn’t care about your judgements though… Yet people are so quick to judge “He doesn’t LOOK /SEEM like a rapist!” (looking at you, ex boyfriend. You know who you are. I’ve had people say this to me about him) yet if someone looks a bit “funny” (and I’m oh so guilty of this in the past) “He LOOKS like a ___________ (insert a negative word like “pedophile” or “creep”).

Rant temporarily over. This is more reflective and I don’t mean it as a sermon because it’s not. This is something that I just find to trigger my anxiety (judging myself harshly or comparing myself to others in certain situations instead of allowing whatever is coming up in my head to be processed in its own time) and I needed to put down my rambling thoughts on paper to make sense of them.

In the end, who’s to say judgement is bad or good. It’s obviously in place to help us survive but maybe it just doesn’t need to be used as often as we use it.

On a super fun note: here are some pics from my Sedona, Page & Grand Canyon trip. Well, mostly the GC. Felt good to backpack again (Even if just for a day! lol).

Forgiveness vs Acceptance

Hi guys! It’s been a LONG time since I blogged.

I’m in Arizona currently since getting back from Finland (handling dad’s business as he passed away). Been doing some day hikes but mostly helping near the Arizona Trail around mile 200 at High Jinks Ranch for now. Decided I’m going to be using my blog to spout off my inner turmoils and thoughts. Might mix in my interspersed adventures in between but this is what I need for myself and for my PTSD/Major Depressive recovery.

March 25, 2018

I have so much to write. My mind is everywhere. Hard to know where to start or what’s relevant. Even just having written that, I wonder “Relevant to what?”. I tend to always think of others or have some subconscious ideal or measuring stick. So I’m just going to attempt to vomit out my conceptual ideas, some of which haven’t even fully formed and are simply vague feelings at this moment, and edit later.

Last night, I did my first audio Ho’oponopono session (Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness… Similar forgiveness practices are performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Hawaii, Samoa, Tahiti and New Zealand) and I realized I’m 100% resistant to forgiving.

I imagined my mother’s face in the section of audio where you have to ask them “Do you support me today in my experience and connection with God and Others?”. If they answer “yes”, you give them a hug and let them go. If not, they have to stand at this 3’x3’ podium you imagine for yourself in an auditorium. Then you say “I love you. I forgive you. Please forgive me” and imagine the forgiveness flowing from you to them

And I just started sobbing. Tears were just streaming. I could feel my inner child feeling horrible for making my mom sad and wanting forgiveness but my older, more protective, layer shut that down. After all, I didn’t shun my mom. She shunned me. That was HER decision, not mine. And imagining my father’s face (he recently passed away from alcoholism) was just as hard.

Maybe I’m just being defensive. I know I’m not a victim. That’s not my identity. However things DID happen TO me. To try to say, as a child, I’m responsible for my parents’ decision is absurd.

I find that so many people find “forgiveness” to be synonymous to “Acceptance” but it’s not. Forgiveness is act of pardoning an offender . Acceptance in psychology is used to describe a person’s assent to the reality of a situation. Yet there are so many help books and memes being thrown around – even this Hawaiian practice – of insisting we forgive and won’t be able to move forward without doing so. Not only the ones who’ve done us wrong but ourselves. I only, as of right now, agree with the latter part of that sentence. Other books claim forgiveness is just letting go of resentment. To me, that’s acceptance – NOT forgiveness.

To go into more detail of that and my disagreement with that concept: Having been repeatedly molested by 2 different people by the age of 9 (one by 13-14 yr old babysitter’s daughter and another a teacher at the Scientology “school” I was placed in after moving to the US), I refuse to say that I forgive them. I don’t. And I don’t know how granting them pardon will help me. Accepting the reality that it happened and that it’s now 20+ years later and I have a life to look forward to is something I can get behind. CHILD ABUSE ISN’T FORGIVEABLE. It just isn’t. It usually carries a life sentence for those wronged by people who knew better, psychologically speaking.
Also, am I supposed to just forgive my rapist? A man who takes absolutely NO accountability for what happened….? I called him a year after the incident went down and he had no recollection of it (Surprise, surprise) and brushed it off. I get it he was super drunk but does that erase the truth of what happened? NO! I have the flashbacks and vivid memories of exactly what happened to prove it. And I refuse to just let him off the hook. Who knows who else he’s done this to or will do it to.

Now, I may change my mind about all this the more I meditate on this and practice it in my mind. And, contrary to some people’s thoughts on human behavior, people CAN change. We can change our minds about things as we learn more and evolve.

But those are my thoughts for the day. Recovery is work. Finding that I have deep resistance on this subject matter is enlightening in its own right. Maybe (just maybe) there IS something to all this? Or maybe there isn’t and it’s just something people want to believe to make themselves feel better.

My inner skeptic and naive self are at odds on this, as you could probably guess just from this long-winded rant.

I’ve gotten some self-help books on all this so I can do more research. Will update more as I let it all percolate in my brain.

Toodles for now. Would love to hear stories from others about this – your experiences and thoughts, especially when it comes to acceptance vs/and/or forgiveness.

Paris Day 4

Not much to tell. Paris has been lovely but also overwhelming. Ready to start my pilgrimage. Actually thinking about doing a silent one (not speaking entire time) just to try it since I know it’s sort of a meditative experience and will help me to quiet down and really take in everything and listen to people but, realistically, doubt that’s going to happen. Anyone who knows me knows I talk – sometimes too much for other people’s comfort. 😂

I definitely need to come back when I’m not so emotionally raw so I can revel in the energy here. If Paris was a blind date, they’d be a hot guy that probably thinks I am an emotional wreck and not cool enough to even hang out with. Hahaha. I’ll be back for a second, better, impression. 

I head out mañana (working on my Spanish skills since headed into Spain 😄) on the train. Excited to get to the point of this trip which is walking and walking and to heal.

I’ve been having flashback nightmares. Anyone that’s dealt with PTSD knows what I’m talking about and it’s not pleasant. Memories from past abuse come up and even new, sometimes even worse than what I remembered, ones rear their ugly head. So haven’t slept well until today, when I took quite a long nap.

Super grateful for my uncle and his family for taking me in. Not having grown up around family since age 8ish, there’s always a period of awkwardness (for me) but they’ve been so lovely and welcoming that it’s truly been heart melting and I love them for it.

Tourist spots here are cool but seeing people making duck faces, putting up peace signs and taking selfies in front of them just isn’t the type of space I’m in and kind of irritating to me at the moment but if they’re having fun, go for it. I’m just not going to join in. Maybe next time.