Judgement

I’ve been thinking about judgement a lot lately. Consumed by thoughts of it is more like it.

I thought I was on top of my judgement but realized it goes much, much deeper than I even consciously realized once I started to be mindful about it.

More specifically, the moment I realized this was when I went to see an energy healer in Sedona. She asked me if I was ready for someone to come into my life (relationship-wise) since apparently someone was coming (WHERE ARE YOU MYSTERY PERSON??) and I told her I was focusing solely on myself at the moment, trying to become my better self. She pointed out to me that exactly who I was, in that moment, was already my best self. It was then that I realized that even though I was trying to not judge, I automatically did so – especially with myself – constantly.

Who was this supposed “better self” I was trying to become? What ideal or measuring stick was I comparing myself to? By definition, judgement is just that (“To draw conclusions from evidence and evaluate events and people”) but other than for safety purposes, what does judging people or things or places do for us, really? Like with most survival mechanisms, it seems judgement has taken such a forefront in most people’s reasoning that it’s so firmly lodged in our brains that it’s become second nature to judge EVERYTHING and EVERYONE yet it doesn’t truly offer us anything except for helping to enforce our egos with the few exceptions of actual caution (ie, “is this shaky bridge safe to walk on?”, “should I get into this stranger’s car and take him up on offer of a ride into town”, etc).

Might sound hokey but the more I meditate on this and think about it, it really feels judgement is just the enforcer of our egos.

Even in long distance hikes, one of the main questions you’ll get from people is where you started and – towards the end of the day – how many miles you hiked that day. And the ONLY reason people ask this is, if we’re being brutally open and honest, is to compare their mileage to yours. But why? Again, it’s so they can see how they stack up against you and if they did more miles than you, then they feel proud of themselves or something similar to that effect. But why should that matter? I always thought it odd that conversations would usually revolve around comparing each others hikes when you should be hiking your own hike.

I’m personally much more interested as to WHY people hike long distance trails and any epiphanies or tribulations they might have come across along the way or any funny poop stories. Every person’s body is different. Whether someone hikes 10 miles or 30 shouldn’t matter. It just shouldn’t. Not to say it’s not inspiring when someone is kicking ass (looking at you Heather “Anish” Anderson , Scott Williamson and all the other record breakers) but we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not keeping up and should just embrace our own pace and intention for each hike.

Even in social media and media, where it’s flagrant, I’ve tried to stop judging. For instance, I used to think I HATED the Kardashians but then I saw an interview with Kim Kardashian and thought she came off as quite intelligent and loyal to her friends (the host tried to get some gossip from her but she didn’t spill). I found that to be quite eye opening since I like to think that I think for myself but I wasn’t. I had unconsciously bought into this Kardashian hate club bandwagon despite not knowing who the fuck these people were in real life. Celebrities get the brunt of this. We think we know what they’re like because they’re in the public eye when, in reality, we have no clue.

It’s crazy to think a life of this judgemental programming is built into me. Not sure how to dismantle it but I guess being mindful about it is the first step.

Even such basic human morals come from a place of judgement. What is bad? What is good? We’ve all decided as a society that anything that hurts more than it helps is bad and vice versa. I get the survival logic of that but it opens up the door for human arbitrary decisions in life and in institutions – like in criminal and civil court systems – and allows us to be unnecessarily governed instead of just being able to be human beings living on Earth.
One judge might decide one guy deserves to be locked up while another judge might decide another guy, somewhere else, doesn’t yet they committed exact same crime with very similar consequences.
We might see one guy who’s dirty on the streets and think badly of them yet think kind thoughts about the good looking guy in a suit (who could be a pedophile for all we know! And the dirty man could’ve served his country bravely for many years).

Racism, nepotism, political divide and bigotry of any kind is based in ego. It tells us our views, our race or whatever else is better than another’s. Without judgement doing its thing in between though, our ego wouldn’t be able to know that. Can you imagine? Being able to hold space for others with opposing perspectives without it triggering that sense of danger that we intuitively feel when someone threatens us with an opposing belief? I think it can be done by taking out that judgement process in between. I really believe that… although, even now in rereading this, I think “that’s quite naive, Saina” which is absolutely judge-y.

We don’t know the truth if we don’t keep an honestly open mind. It will be shaded with our own judgement of the reality. Truth doesn’t care about your judgements though… Yet people are so quick to judge “He doesn’t LOOK /SEEM like a rapist!” (looking at you, ex boyfriend. You know who you are. I’ve had people say this to me about him) yet if someone looks a bit “funny” (and I’m oh so guilty of this in the past) “He LOOKS like a ___________ (insert a negative word like “pedophile” or “creep”).

Rant temporarily over. This is more reflective and I don’t mean it as a sermon because it’s not. This is something that I just find to trigger my anxiety (judging myself harshly or comparing myself to others in certain situations instead of allowing whatever is coming up in my head to be processed in its own time) and I needed to put down my rambling thoughts on paper to make sense of them.

In the end, who’s to say judgement is bad or good. It’s obviously in place to help us survive but maybe it just doesn’t need to be used as often as we use it.

On a super fun note: here are some pics from my Sedona, Page & Grand Canyon trip. Well, mostly the GC. Felt good to backpack again (Even if just for a day! lol).

Blogging the Camino

I’ve found it to be quite a chore to go back and rehash emotions, thoughts and events each day on the Camino so I’ve been keeping a written journal and have decided to write more on here once actually done.

I’m more than halfway now and should be finishing within 2 weeks. Having gotten sick for almost a week and conking out the last couple of days have set me back but I’m in no real hurry.

I have so many things to say and look forward to updating the blog once done with more specifics and tips, etc.

Rest assured, you will get some exciting posts later! 
Xoxo,

Saina 

Day 16, 17 , 18 & 19

16, 17 were zero days in Idyllwild. No hiking done on the trail. Just laundry, lots of eating (like TOO much eating. Glutton style),  

  
 resting feet, going to doctor to get some Indomethicin and ended up getting some anti-inflammatory shot in the butt too). 

Got to hang out with my friend, Sean, and saw his family who were so nice. I got my Epsom Salt bath with wine, as well, which is turning out to be a ritual now (not that I’m complaining! It’s the best!). Looked at upcoming trail maps (estimating time, difficulty, weight, etc) and working out resupplies. Feels like I’m getting a lot better at estimating my food and water intake now which means I don’t carry as much food and water.

  
Working on resupply boxes to Big Bear.

Day 18 – 11.2 miles

Sean drove us to The Devil’s Slide Trail which reconnected us to the PCT (where the fire closure ended around mile 178).Took off with Jenn later in the morning. 

  
It was basically 2.6 vertical miles of The Devil’s Slide Trail and then several more vertical miles. 

Lovely views that day:

   
Tahquitz Peak on the left and Suicide Rock on the right.

  
Some snow left coming down San Jacinto area.

   

Last water source was at 186. Jenn left ahead of me on one of my breaks but I caught up with her there and, since we’d gotten such a late start, the sun was already starting to set so I scouted an off trail camp spot about .6 miles from the water spot where we  could watch and take pics of the sunset.

   
     
I was exhausted after all the uphill so crashed as soon as sun had set but woke up from the bright moon hanging over me. It was so bright, my body woke up, thinking it was daytime.

  
Day 19 – mile 186 to 206

My first 20 mile day!!!!! Beautiful views at the start of the day.

   
       It was a bit of a climb in the morning but then a shitload of downhill with no shade. Saw some deer, snakes and probably 400 lizards of all shapes and sizes. I almost stepped on a rattler myself. Usually, I hike with one earpiece only in the desert so I can hear rattlers or hikers coming up behind me but, with the disgustingly hot heat, I was blasting both earbuds to will myself through the hot section.

   
         I saw and heard of many people misjudging water intake that day (I almost ran out too – had only 1/2 liter for last 2 miles but since I waited out the heat mid day, it was fine). There was no water until 206.

Jen hoped to get to Ziggy & The Bear (trail angels who open their home to hikers – letting them take showers and hand wash laundry, get food, etc) but we were dead and the sun had basically set by the time we got down the 7000 ft elevation drop. Camped at 206 along with some other hikers (Wild Bill & German hiker, Deep).

Slept under a lunar (moon) halo that night. It was spectacular but I had the worst sleep. Couldn’t sleep with so much light but couldn’t keep hiking either since my feet ached so bad after the 20 miles