Light & Dark

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The more shadow work that I do, the more I disbelieve everything portrayed in society… for instance, in my favorite entertainment genre: horror.

We are fed constantly, from all fronts, with this idea of “demons” – from paranormal reality shows to every haunted movie to even modern shows.

You can just ward these “demons” off with some Latin bible verses supposedly. It’s ridiculous. Let’s break it down: let’s say “demons” are real. And they are ancient beings, as they claim. You think some Latin – maybe 3,000 years old, if that – is going to banish them? Lolol. It’s all religious nonsense.

There is no “evil”. Not in the way it’s told to us anyway. Just negative energy. Dark, yes. But every single one of us is capable of being there, should circumstances be dire and horrible enough.

I had really bad sleep paralysis since I was a young kid, due to trauma. For decades. The things I saw – from the slender man with the hat to the old grandma who sat on my chest and choked me, to make sure I wasn’t breathing, etc. I could see why people want to make sense of these terrifying figures. I joined sleep paralysis groups and so many people claimed it was “demons” and prayed or chanted certain bible verses to make them go away.

But, for me, the only thing that made it go away was facing it. Ayahuasca gave me the truth of what happened. That something happened while I was basically just a baby. And that scary man I kept seeing? It was from seeing the pedo above my crib and being helpless to do anything about it. I sobbed and sobbed. Mama Aya held me until my shaman/ayahuasca facilitator could come and do so. Since then, no sleep paralysis.

I had a moment once where I met this incredibly dark slithery figure in a nightmare. This time, I was ready. I followed it, instead of running like I normally would do, to a dark room and just kept flowing love at it and telling it I wanted to know it’s story. When I hugged it, I felt an integration unlike no other. This scary thing I’ve seen before in sleep was actually ME. It was the rejected parts of myself. The parts I hated about myself. And that’s why it terrified me and intentionally scared me. It just wanted love. I just wanted love.

So the polarity of most people’s thinking really gets to me. We are a spectrum of energy, capable of light and dark. Allowing for all of that, not just the comfortable light vibes, is so important yet hardly any people tolerate that.

I’ve lost so many people because of this healing journey. I’ve lost them but found myself. Hopefully. I can find more people on the same path as me. It’s a hard one but worth it.

Ironic that I felt so uncomfortable when I was more “well liked” but feel the most comfortable now that I’m truly a black sheep.

I have so much more to tell you, especially from Alaska but those are my current thoughts.

Goodnight 😴

Alaska

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Just like Hawaii, Alaska has been calling to me for a long time. Whispering to my heart from afar, through the streaming consciousness flowing through and all around us. “Come to me” it would say over and over.

And, just like Hawaii, a random job came my way when I decided to go rogue and apply for places I’d like to go versus just applying for jobs I “should” do. And here I am.

I’m a steward so not a glamorous job by any means and less responsibilities than I’m used to having but I really like it. Since I came in at the end of the season, a lot of the existing staff are already worn out from working months on end with no days off. But they’re all super chill and really cool people.

I have a lady boss, Sandy, who’s awesome. Having a female boss is such a different vibe than the men. Communication is so much easier and safer. Emotions arise in this type of close proximity environment but we’re able to navigate it all together. And she validates me, which I don’t necessarily need but still love.

And don’t even get me started on just the wildlife and landscapes. I’m oohing and aaahing daily. The OGs on the boat, who’ve been doing this for years, laugh at me sometimes but they also find me and tell me to go look at whatever sea creature or glacier happens to come next to us. I’m in a state of awe and it’s so easy to find “glimmers” here (glimmers are the opposite of triggers and are things that I’m now seeking constantly).

Just today, we had a bubble feeding right near us. Basically the whales create like a whirlpool of sorts to get fish to rise to the top, where they can feed on them. It’s a whole thing and the 4 humpbacks were so huge, sleek and magnificent. All of us staff, especially those of us on our first season, were basically just outside with our phones out, taking videos 😂

Everyone is making plans for after the season but I barely have cell reception so definitely can’t be applying for jobs if I’m not available by phone. So I’m trying to just relax and flow with things and be present for now. I’ve done this so many times, I can feel that anxiety to have it all figured out NOW abate quite a bit, I know I’m an incredible worker so any place would be lucky to have me. “It’ll all work out” Alaska seems to be telling me with its daily wonders. And I believe it. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I’m realizing I have come so far. Just in how I deal with people. I’m setting boundaries with people right from the jump, communicating issues and able to apologize without a shame spiral for any mistake (very rare but still sometimes happens 😜). I have zero concerns for how people perceive me. For the first time in a long time, I really feel ok with being misunderstood.

I have settled into this calm space where I can act in such a way to honor myself. I’m no longer ok with making myself smaller to accommodate others. When people talk negatively to me or about others, I can call it out without it being reactive.

Love me or hate me. It doesn’t bother me either way. I can feel myself evolving into the future self I’m meant to be.

Coming from this place, it’s easy to eat clean and do self care things that would be such a chore before. Sounds simple and feels that way but it’s never been that way before. There was always a fear in the background buzzing around that I acted from subconsciously. I really feel like that dissipated with a psilocybin session I did a while ago. But more on that later… for now, I just wanted to write a love letter to Alaska.

Alaska’s wildness resonates with me, on some deep guttural level. I’ve always felt like a caged animal in society and this place just reminds me of some sort of home. And just like Hawaii, my chronic sinusitis seems to have gone away. I did a cold plunge near a glacier (they said it was the coldest plunge they’ve done this whole season) and I just wanted to stay in the water. They had to holler at me to get back! Hahah . The water felt like I was home.

Cell service sucks here but I’m going to try to post some pics here. Hopefully it’ll post. if not, I’ll post more later.

Views from bed

Microdose Magick

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I microdosed while on my period which hit like a macro dose. I started having major discomfort. A “bad” trip started happening and I was so physically uncomfortable and I wanted it to be over NOW! And then I remembered this meme (see pic) and started becoming curious and realized from sexual assault to sexual assault, but ESPECIALLY after rape 8 years ago, the mental thoughts of really wanting them to be over caused this repeating subconscious thing – almost like an auditory hologram – “I want this to be over with. When will it end? This is going to last forever” Kept going over and over. And I was feeling it then and all of a sudden I recognized it and it was like my body was vibrating. I sobbed and sobbed and felt so much relief after.

Soon thereafter, I went on a hike that I remember just wanting to be over, the last time I’d been there, and I just wanted to see, completely sober and fresh, if it would happen again (since it happens to great things too. I want it all over before it’s even really begun. It got super depressing since that zapped the joy out of everything I used to love).

Sure enough, it started happening. I looked at my gps to see how much longer I had. I just wanted it over and done with so I could do the next thing on my to-do list. It was happening but I could now recognize it so I intentionally slowed down during those moments I wanted to speed up. I took pictures and would even sit down if the urge to speed up was strong enough.

And it was incredible. I cried at the end of the hike. I didn’t want it to end! Which is the first time I’ve felt that way in years. Even on the PCT, I had subconsciously felt I wanted it to just end and was relieved when each day was over. I recognize that now. How miserable I’ve been with that in my head for so long!

In “the body keeps score” book, he says trauma traps our brain into thinking “this will last forever”. OF COURSE that’s the chapter I’m on, as I continue to process and be mindful of this.

All of a sudden, I’m enjoying hiking and doing things again. I still get the spurts of “ugh” when uncomfortable but I know what it is now.

Knowledge really IS power. We have the ability to heal ourselves. If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is. Rewiring our neural pathways is such sacred work. Wow

As all this is going on, I got a random last minute gig as a steward on a hotel boat of sorts (no, not like Below Deck! Lol. This isn’t some mega yacht and I’m not a size 0 supermodel that is going to hook up with one of the deckhands. 🤣). Excited to see my skills translate in a different environment. Did I mention that it’s in ALASKA!!!!??? A land that’s been calling me for years to visit. 😍

Hawaii, San Juan Islands and now Alaska all within a 10 month period. It’s been stressful but omg am I pleased with myself. I’m a fuckin badass! All this on a broke bitch’s budget. I’m not going to be broke forever. I do enjoy basking in this wild chapter of mine though. My younger self would absolutely be mind blown and proud of me.

And what’s wild is how the universe aligns for me when a trip appears that gets my heart going at the thought of. I had to get some black shoes (as some may know, I’m a Bedrock Sandals gal. I don’t like shoes and only have colorful shoes) and the first goodwill had a brand spankin pair of brand named black shoes for $7! I took them on a 5 mile hike and not a single hot spot or anything and they felt great. People came together to help me find a place for my van too and everything came together seamlessly, as it did for Scotland years before as well.

I don’t know if it’s this full moon magic but changes are a comin! And I’m here for it. Feeling hopeful which is huge.

Wishing you all a beautiful and healing August 😘

Floating

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Today I exhausted myself at North Cascades National Park kayaking and wandering. The antibiotics I’m on make me feel nauseous and queasy with this heat but I had a good day just (sometimes literally) floating.

I have no idea what’s next. Gonna get through the next couple of days and wait to hear back on a few job prospects. Hopefully something nearby since I don’t have a ton of gas $ left but I’ll be donating some plasma to get more, once I’m off antibiotics.

My panic attacks are wild! PTSD is wild! This whole fuckin existence of life is wild! But I just treated myself to some fries and I’m going to just focus on their deliciousness and getting back to camp…. My mind races at the thought of my gear stolen once I get back since I had to leave somethings at camp to show it’s occupied. Plus, can’t really control that so – again – back to my yummy fries.

I apologize to any neurotypicals reading my posts. Probably super alarming but imagine how much worse it is in my brain when my PTSD is activated. This shit sucks and I 1000% understand why people kill themselves with this.

One day at a time. Gotta go now so I can focus on my fries 🍟😂😋

My yum yum fries 😂

On The Road Again

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Holy shitballs! So I finally got away from mean boss man and had my first night on the road and I slept LIKE A BABY! Like, I feel 500 times better already even though I’m nervous about how I’ll pay for shit since I don’t have really anything saved.

It’s wild what a difference I feel. I feel safer and excited again. Being made to feel small daily with no ability to create and do a job to the best of my ability (unless he agreed) took a huge toll.

Feeling so much gratitude for the friends I’ve talked to the last day or two who really made me feel heard and understood.

It’s a shame he had to escalate things to the point of intimidation but narcissists will do what they do when they’re called out and feeling threatened. No man should tower over and put their hands on a woman. He’ll have to live with that while I go on living my best life (and, yes, I’m aware of the irony of my sad depressed posts in stark contrast to that statement but I’m also aware of how amazing my life is on the road which is why I always come back to it. The moment I knew I wasn’t going to be handed the reins to his place, I was over that job anyway: I want something long term if I’m going to move somewhere). All he had to do to keep me was apologize. But instead he doubled down and started yelling.

Tolerance for the privileged rich old men is over. You aren’t more important than any other living being simply because of the size of your assets. It’s not that nobody wants to work. It’s that we don’t want to be verbally, sexually, emotionally or physically abused while doing it is all. Sorry not sorry! ✌🏼

My lil camping spot last night! First night boondocking in months. ❤️

Work & Words

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Of course when therapy ends, I get a stupid panic attack.

Quit my job. Should’ve listened to my gut on day 2. It’s like a death by a thousand cuts with this guy. Anything I tell him I love, he stops letting me do it – from feeding the chickens to watering the plants or won’t let me do it at all. He said he wanted an innkeeper to take over for him so he can retire but there is no way he’s letting anyone take over, with how tight he’s holding the reins. I’ve never seen anything like it.

And I’ve never had a boss be so blatantly disrespectful to me in front of guests. I get the sense he likes to be the belle of the ball and if he hears a guest laughing while talking to me, he comes in and either tries to hijack the convo or demean me somehow in front of the guest. He won’t even let me do my own breakfast recipes without trying to tell me how to make them. To how to cut veggies. Stopped counting how many times he’s yelled. Apparently he did this with the last innkeeper but blames her. Called her an alcoholic and said it’s because her parents died (why is he telling me people’s trauma? I didn’t ask nor did I care).

Granted I’m on my period and haven’t been sleeping well so that didn’t help as I can usually tune him out or let his words just kind of float past me but the last couple days, he’s been poking and poking me. You can tell this guy has never worked for somebody before (he’s been a contractor and boat captain but that doesn’t count since they’re like contractor types of jobs where you’re your own boss in a sense) from the way he treats people he views as less than him.

I’ve never NOT been allowed to make a place better before. It’s wild. Even with owners I’ve had disagreements with, they always allowed me to utilize my problem solving skills and make projects to make things more cost effective and efficient.

There were no training manuals, room welcome letters or packets when I came. And he has the most outdated reservation system that won’t allow for more than one user at a time which is an issue if we both need to be on at the same time. There are no packages people can add to their stay even though it’s a B&B and they get a lot of couples. I’ve been given no set schedule and it changes daily which is frustrating as I’d like to go and volunteer and do things outside of work but can’t because I don’t know when I’ll be needed. The website and photos of rooms are ancient and in dire need of updating as is their social media. And I can help with these and even started to just do it – which he ended up appreciating on the welcome letters as he had been getting asked the wifi daily by all guests!!! But I am dismissed or he gets defensive and argues with me if I bring anything up. It’s depressing. He should’ve been honest from the start and said “ I just want a housekeeper who only covers for me on my days off and I’m not interested in hearing any ideas from anybody” and that would’ve been closer to the truth.

It’s good money but money is like the lowest form of motivation for me. I feel like a sex worker who was forced into selling her body but wouldn’t do it if she didn’t have to. I feel cheapened and gross.

It has been super hard trying to find that perfect fit of a job. So I’m going to list what I am looking for in case that somehow tells the Universe to stop sending me on these bait and switch jobs:

1) Hospitality or similar type work

2) outdoorsy location where I can kayak/swim/hike easily without having to drive hours.

3) Room for growth, creativity, collaboration and agency for its employees (within reason of course).

4) team mates that also love the work and are down to help each other, not gossip or tear people down. That’s poisonous. I’m there to work and the guests come first for me.

5) Pays enough money to be able to finish paying people back and get savings

6) employers who trust their employees and provide a safe space to discuss ideas and issues without yelling tantrums or name calling. hate to state the obvious but not physically violent like the dude ranch owner lady I had the displeasure of working with for a couple weeks.

7) employers who don’t discriminate.

8) preferably offer housing. Not a deal breaker if I can live in my van and have showers or outhouse.

9) not on horrible roads that will mess up my old van that I can’t afford to replace atm. (Like glamping place near Grand Canyon. Broke my struts).

10) employers who don’t have a slave owner mentality, meaning pay you salary but overwork you and then you figure you made about $5/hr. That’s not ok.

11) preferably year round where I can get settled in for a while and really feel at home and grow roots.

12) they offer training and orientation for new employees, setting them up to succeed. And they provide resources for ideas that are approved to make them happen.

13) the job is what is stated. I’ve been told “yeah we need hosts” and once I join up, I’m put on laundry with no room for moving up or doing anything else . Or this guy – he just wanted a housekeeper and should’ve just said so. I can do laundry and housekeep. Im not above that at all but if that’s 99% of the job, it should be disclosed. Hosting is not laundry.

I might come back and add to that but I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Right?!? 🤨

Mirroring/Projection

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I have a boss who projects a lot. He’ll complain about the very things he should be doing or not doing, work-wise. His ex wife was an alcoholic so he tries to gauge how much everyone is drinking all the time and has even told my neighbor to not invite me over because it’s been busy at the B&B (they’ll invite me up for a glass every month or so, after work hours). He complains about the last innkeeper and how she was drinking too much even though it’s none of his business what his employees do on their own time. All along, it’s this trauma with his ex wife.

Then I remembered this old ex friend of mine who would get weird about their latest big purchases, whether it be a home or a boat, etc. She admitted at one point that it felt weird and only felt comfortable saying it to a similarly well off mutual friend. Conversation in summary: she didn’t want to rub her “successes” in my face when I’d been struggling with financially. Which honestly blew my mind. Why wouldn’t I want my friends to succeed? And how do you not know that I care little for money? It doesn’t bother me when others have more than me. So she must be judging people with less to feel that way or maybe she just judged herself more harshly when she had less and thinks everyone feels the same way as her. Who knows…. That was just straight up weird to me to hear.

Another time another old ex friend would complain about me “making waves” and even snidely asked “you’re not going to write a book, are you?” When talking about Scientology. And she just came out with a book!! LOL

Another would make comments about how I reminded her of her mother who – come to find out – has severe mental health issues and a problematic relationship with. Nobody wants to feel like a problem to solve by a friend.

I seem to have a mirroring effect on people. I’ve noticed I trigger quite a number of people. Again, their triggers are NOT my responsibility but I found it fascinating. And sometimes I find myself mimicking certain things or doing things in a certain way with specific people, so much so that I don’t even fully understand it myself. It actually inspired a story I’m writing which I might go into in another post.

This is what I was talking about when I said I felt people didn’t know me. I very well could’ve been well off by now, had I stayed in insurance which was soul-sucking or made things official with an ex or three. That’s if I cared about what society says I should care about. But I chose an authentic life. And I’m not saying the others aren’t authentic. When I say that, I’m referring authentic TO ME, not society or anybody else.

Even without money, I knew/know that if I had to sacrifice my emotional and mental health for some, it wouldn’t be worth it for me.

I’ve worked with hospice home patients and they taught me so much. The main thing being that life is short. Too short to be wasting it on things that don’t truly matter to you or don’t set your heart on fire.

And maybe why I say that others don’t get me is that I don’t truly get most people. They only want you for your positivity and things you can give them but the moment you’re neither of those things, they bail. Nobody seems to want to get deeper. It’s so superficial with majority of people.

Anyway, random thoughts. I have others but I’ll leave it at that so I don’t go off on a tangent…

Tomorrow is Pride here at San Juan Island. Maybe I’ll meet some fellow queer souls there. Could use some more fun loving energy in my life atm.

Society

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If you’re sick in this unhealthy world and toxic culture, isn’t that to be expected ?

So why isn’t the opposite being looked at? Anyone healthy and happy or just morbidly wealthy in this economy and crumbling society would be more suspicious, no? Or just a superstar at compartmentalizing who is a powder keg waiting to explode with the amount of unprocessed trauma powder piling up…

I’ve met so many people in my travels and backpacking trips that I know this to be true. Everyone is so busy seeking something.

When all we want is a safe environment where you can be authentic and be connected to everything around you. and to be able to process & get support for complicated emotions like grief, rage, apathy, etc.

From the lady who carried her husbands ashes on the Camino since they’d planned to hike it for 20+ years once they retired and he died a week before they were scheduled to fly out. To the Wall Street broker dude I shared some crumbly granola bars with on the PCT. To my mom & dad who were also searching for a deeper meaning to life and, instead, ended up in a destructive cult that separated them all.

Chris McCandless was right when he said “Happiness is only real when shared. ”

But that’s also the crack that gets us in cults and other toxic relationships. We are always craving these connections, we hardly think about if they’re actually helping us evolve or just taking us back to the past with its nostalgia. And, once it’s too late and we realize we aren’t where we want to be, it’s terrifying to give it all up.

We all want to be somebody to at least one other person in this world. I craved it so much in my youth. Neither of my parents knew me at all. I have no siblings. I craved this so much with my friends from childhood, turning them from bullies to “friends” at my own expense.

I haven’t recently struggled with that at all. It’s really clear to me if something is done or not. To some, it may come off cold but I just see the reality and don’t want to waste my time or theirs. You can’t fake a soul connection. And that’s all I need more of these days.

If it’s not a “FUCK YEAH!”, I don’t want it.

One day at a time

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So my therapist forgot our appointment but I can’t really get mad because she works with me on payments and has been the greatest therapist I’ve had. So I guess I’ll come here and make a post to get out what’s been in my head

Circling back to homework from her: I figured out where my stress first shows up and it’s in my hands or feet. Typically my hands. I have a stimming thing where I rub my fingers together. I do it sometimes to the point, I’ve frictioned off layers and layers of skin. I noticed I do that or start moving my hands around, picking up stuff or moving things around, once I start feeling anxiety (before it even registers in my brain that anxiety has escalated). So being mindful of that should be helpful.

Then I’ve been working through some attachment trauma. Trying to figure out what it is that’s been triggered as of late. And I just can’t seem to put my finger on it tbh. It eludes me…. yet I can sometimes feel it at the tip of my brain’s tongue but then it runs away while cackling and yelling at me “COME AND GET MEEE! Muahahahaha”. Taunting me in a way but I’m just not chasing it. When it’s safe for it to come to me, it’ll come. I trust my mind to offer it to me when it’s sure that it’s the right time for me to process it.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to go daily (but it’s been like every other day), to go dip in the ocean and journal (in my actual journal where I use pen and paper 😂) . That’s been nice. San Juan Island is beautiful with its birds of prey and foxes.

Spoke to an old boss just yesterday. Was pretty cool. We had a misunderstanding towards the end but we’ve talked about it since. He tried to get me to go back and work for him at his haunted historic hotel recently. I’d found this current gig already by then. Anyway, it was just interesting and cool to reconnect with him. I had been really upset by what had happened when I quit that job but now it’s no biggie and we are both chill about it. I know that’s a normal thing to others but, for me, to talk to someone who my brain had deemed “unsafe” to now being able to just be adults and discuss and move on was quite heartwarming. I haven’t had that with many people (mostly because I don’t feel acknowledged or am gaslit when I try to discuss it to but still).

Seems like everyone is gearing up for adventures. My friend who I met on the West Highland Way and continued on with on the Great Glen Way, is now walking South West Coast Path in the UK. He’s a wild one. Been to & drummed in every continent (he’s a drummer amongst other things) while on the cheapest budget I’ve ever seen (and without being a begpacker). He just puts a sign on his pack and people offer him meals and boarding. I strive for that level of faith in humanity!

While others are headed to Europe, Japan amongst other foreign lands. Just imagining their travels when they tell me about it gets my wanderlust juices flowing. I love seeing people doing these incredible trips. Just reinforces my love for travelers and nomads.

And makes me start thinking of creating my next journey. I’ve been doing a workbook by The Holistic Psychologist called “How To Meet Yourself” and it’s been having me do these visualizations about my future self and my mind was blown. I have never fully visualized what my future self looked like. Simply because I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation since 8 years old in Scientology and never even planned or expected myself to have lasted this long. I was convinced I’d die at 28. I had no evidence of it but I really felt I would be dead by then. And I kept rescheduling my suicide date year after year after that. Now I’m 37. Isn’t that crazy? And sad…. But not going to dwell on it in that way because visualizing my future self has mostly been so exciting. And calming. It’s like there’s more purpose to it all if I’m now striving for this higher/elder self. Even writing this now, I get a bit teary because it’s really hitting me at how wild that is. Most people are planning their lives or have parents trying to plan their lives for them from birth. I’ve been in such survival mode, I didn’t even realize how intensely I’ve been there and for how long.

That’s some fatty food for thought. Gonna leave it at that for now because I need to let that marinate in my brain a bit longer.

Continue reading →

Living Authentically

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I can get a bit obsessive over certain things when I can’t understand it. I dissect and analyze it all to try to make it make sense.

I was called “jealous” by so-called old friend which really threw me for a loop and was another one of those times where I thought “Wow, I really don’t like the version of me in your head and that doesn’t resonate with me at all!”.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. I’ve never experienced it though and I’ve never understood it. I had an ex who was extremely jealous. He’d imagine crazy scenarios where I’m cheating and yell and hit as if I had done it. Do I sometimes look longingly at people out with their parents and wish I could have parents who cared about me? Sure but I don’t begrudge people for having decent parents.

It’s up there with another thing I still don’t get: how people can hate someone just because of their license plate state. As if some imaginary boundaries drawn by men somehow dictate the behaviors of the people living inside them. California gets a lot of shit and I constantly hear and see people using that as if it’s a slur (go back to California! Don’t California my Arizona etc). Meanwhile most Californians are transplants.

Back to jealousy though…. I have never wished to possess what others have because I can get it myself. If I wanted a career in an office, spouse and/or kids, I could have. But I don’t want those things right now.

It reminds me of this conversation I had with someone. We jokingly said we should switch our lives for a day and she made a face (she can’t poop in the wilderness much less live out of a van 😂) and my butthole cringed at the thought of doing her government job which is my idea of hell. It was kind of cool to realize we both had really curated our lives intentionally to the ways we wanted, especially after having such a highly controlled childhood.

When I complain about my struggles, it’s not about living on the road. I love the roadscapes, landscapes and nightscapes I get to see daily. I love the fellow nomads and adventurers I get to meet along the way, each one with their own unique stories.

And I LIVE for my longer distance hikes and adventures. I’m thinking Peru for my next trip to get Machu Picchu & Rainbow Mountain out of the way and then explore the Amazon btw. Maybe go for an ayahuasca ceremony if I can find a non-commercialized female native healer. Mama Aya is calling me back. I can feel it.

I also so love how helpful people are on the road everywhere. I’ve given spare gear to people in need and I’ve been on the receiving end of kindness as well. Nomads are my people. And a lot of people who I grew up with don’t get that. I’m sure they see me as a bum or whatever. And that’s fine. People are entitled to their versions of me even when I feel they couldn’t be further from the truth.

I use this blog for my thoughts and people seem shocked or think I’m like this super low vibe person because I share my shadow self with the world. But there is so much light and feeling and love inside me. It’s just that I keep those precious moments & things mostly to myself because to share things with people seems to cheapen it with words.

I could tell you I took a few minutes to watch a caterpillar eat a strawberry flower the other day. Sounds simple. But I swear that caterpillar knew I was there. I could feel it sense my presence as it moved it’s head at me and shifted around. I tried to imagine being the caterpillar, imagining how I appeared and felt to it. I hoped it sensed I wasn’t a threat and just wanted to admire it. Could it feel my curiosity and admiration? ….Now I just sound crazy hahaha. And that’s why I don’t like to share that stuff. I’m like Gollum from LOTR… except MY Precious is the good stuff. The sweetness and softness I want to protect from the world.

What I need to work on: my hyper independence – I need to allow people to help and contribute. I need to work on my mindfulness when it comes to being present. I have this horrible trauma response whereby I constantly have this feeling of wanting things to be over, even good things. It sucks the joy right out of things for me.

I’m a work in progress. And that’s ok.