backpacking

Microdose Magick

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I microdosed while on my period which hit like a macro dose. I started having major discomfort. A “bad” trip started happening and I was so physically uncomfortable and I wanted it to be over NOW! And then I remembered this meme (see pic) and started becoming curious and realized from sexual assault to sexual assault, but ESPECIALLY after rape 8 years ago, the mental thoughts of really wanting them to be over caused this repeating subconscious thing – almost like an auditory hologram – “I want this to be over with. When will it end? This is going to last forever” Kept going over and over. And I was feeling it then and all of a sudden I recognized it and it was like my body was vibrating. I sobbed and sobbed and felt so much relief after.

Soon thereafter, I went on a hike that I remember just wanting to be over, the last time I’d been there, and I just wanted to see, completely sober and fresh, if it would happen again (since it happens to great things too. I want it all over before it’s even really begun. It got super depressing since that zapped the joy out of everything I used to love).

Sure enough, it started happening. I looked at my gps to see how much longer I had. I just wanted it over and done with so I could do the next thing on my to-do list. It was happening but I could now recognize it so I intentionally slowed down during those moments I wanted to speed up. I took pictures and would even sit down if the urge to speed up was strong enough.

And it was incredible. I cried at the end of the hike. I didn’t want it to end! Which is the first time I’ve felt that way in years. Even on the PCT, I had subconsciously felt I wanted it to just end and was relieved when each day was over. I recognize that now. How miserable I’ve been with that in my head for so long!

In “the body keeps score” book, he says trauma traps our brain into thinking “this will last forever”. OF COURSE that’s the chapter I’m on, as I continue to process and be mindful of this.

All of a sudden, I’m enjoying hiking and doing things again. I still get the spurts of “ugh” when uncomfortable but I know what it is now.

Knowledge really IS power. We have the ability to heal ourselves. If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is. Rewiring our neural pathways is such sacred work. Wow

As all this is going on, I got a random last minute gig as a steward on a hotel boat of sorts (no, not like Below Deck! Lol. This isn’t some mega yacht and I’m not a size 0 supermodel that is going to hook up with one of the deckhands. 🤣). Excited to see my skills translate in a different environment. Did I mention that it’s in ALASKA!!!!??? A land that’s been calling me for years to visit. 😍

Hawaii, San Juan Islands and now Alaska all within a 10 month period. It’s been stressful but omg am I pleased with myself. I’m a fuckin badass! All this on a broke bitch’s budget. I’m not going to be broke forever. I do enjoy basking in this wild chapter of mine though. My younger self would absolutely be mind blown and proud of me.

And what’s wild is how the universe aligns for me when a trip appears that gets my heart going at the thought of. I had to get some black shoes (as some may know, I’m a Bedrock Sandals gal. I don’t like shoes and only have colorful shoes) and the first goodwill had a brand spankin pair of brand named black shoes for $7! I took them on a 5 mile hike and not a single hot spot or anything and they felt great. People came together to help me find a place for my van too and everything came together seamlessly, as it did for Scotland years before as well.

I don’t know if it’s this full moon magic but changes are a comin! And I’m here for it. Feeling hopeful which is huge.

Wishing you all a beautiful and healing August 😘

Society

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If you’re sick in this unhealthy world and toxic culture, isn’t that to be expected ?

So why isn’t the opposite being looked at? Anyone healthy and happy or just morbidly wealthy in this economy and crumbling society would be more suspicious, no? Or just a superstar at compartmentalizing who is a powder keg waiting to explode with the amount of unprocessed trauma powder piling up…

I’ve met so many people in my travels and backpacking trips that I know this to be true. Everyone is so busy seeking something.

When all we want is a safe environment where you can be authentic and be connected to everything around you. and to be able to process & get support for complicated emotions like grief, rage, apathy, etc.

From the lady who carried her husbands ashes on the Camino since they’d planned to hike it for 20+ years once they retired and he died a week before they were scheduled to fly out. To the Wall Street broker dude I shared some crumbly granola bars with on the PCT. To my mom & dad who were also searching for a deeper meaning to life and, instead, ended up in a destructive cult that separated them all.

Chris McCandless was right when he said “Happiness is only real when shared. ”

But that’s also the crack that gets us in cults and other toxic relationships. We are always craving these connections, we hardly think about if they’re actually helping us evolve or just taking us back to the past with its nostalgia. And, once it’s too late and we realize we aren’t where we want to be, it’s terrifying to give it all up.

We all want to be somebody to at least one other person in this world. I craved it so much in my youth. Neither of my parents knew me at all. I have no siblings. I craved this so much with my friends from childhood, turning them from bullies to “friends” at my own expense.

I haven’t recently struggled with that at all. It’s really clear to me if something is done or not. To some, it may come off cold but I just see the reality and don’t want to waste my time or theirs. You can’t fake a soul connection. And that’s all I need more of these days.

If it’s not a “FUCK YEAH!”, I don’t want it.

Living Authentically

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I can get a bit obsessive over certain things when I can’t understand it. I dissect and analyze it all to try to make it make sense.

I was called “jealous” by so-called old friend which really threw me for a loop and was another one of those times where I thought “Wow, I really don’t like the version of me in your head and that doesn’t resonate with me at all!”.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. I’ve never experienced it though and I’ve never understood it. I had an ex who was extremely jealous. He’d imagine crazy scenarios where I’m cheating and yell and hit as if I had done it. Do I sometimes look longingly at people out with their parents and wish I could have parents who cared about me? Sure but I don’t begrudge people for having decent parents.

It’s up there with another thing I still don’t get: how people can hate someone just because of their license plate state. As if some imaginary boundaries drawn by men somehow dictate the behaviors of the people living inside them. California gets a lot of shit and I constantly hear and see people using that as if it’s a slur (go back to California! Don’t California my Arizona etc). Meanwhile most Californians are transplants.

Back to jealousy though…. I have never wished to possess what others have because I can get it myself. If I wanted a career in an office, spouse and/or kids, I could have. But I don’t want those things right now.

It reminds me of this conversation I had with someone. We jokingly said we should switch our lives for a day and she made a face (she can’t poop in the wilderness much less live out of a van 😂) and my butthole cringed at the thought of doing her government job which is my idea of hell. It was kind of cool to realize we both had really curated our lives intentionally to the ways we wanted, especially after having such a highly controlled childhood.

When I complain about my struggles, it’s not about living on the road. I love the roadscapes, landscapes and nightscapes I get to see daily. I love the fellow nomads and adventurers I get to meet along the way, each one with their own unique stories.

And I LIVE for my longer distance hikes and adventures. I’m thinking Peru for my next trip to get Machu Picchu & Rainbow Mountain out of the way and then explore the Amazon btw. Maybe go for an ayahuasca ceremony if I can find a non-commercialized female native healer. Mama Aya is calling me back. I can feel it.

I also so love how helpful people are on the road everywhere. I’ve given spare gear to people in need and I’ve been on the receiving end of kindness as well. Nomads are my people. And a lot of people who I grew up with don’t get that. I’m sure they see me as a bum or whatever. And that’s fine. People are entitled to their versions of me even when I feel they couldn’t be further from the truth.

I use this blog for my thoughts and people seem shocked or think I’m like this super low vibe person because I share my shadow self with the world. But there is so much light and feeling and love inside me. It’s just that I keep those precious moments & things mostly to myself because to share things with people seems to cheapen it with words.

I could tell you I took a few minutes to watch a caterpillar eat a strawberry flower the other day. Sounds simple. But I swear that caterpillar knew I was there. I could feel it sense my presence as it moved it’s head at me and shifted around. I tried to imagine being the caterpillar, imagining how I appeared and felt to it. I hoped it sensed I wasn’t a threat and just wanted to admire it. Could it feel my curiosity and admiration? ….Now I just sound crazy hahaha. And that’s why I don’t like to share that stuff. I’m like Gollum from LOTR… except MY Precious is the good stuff. The sweetness and softness I want to protect from the world.

What I need to work on: my hyper independence – I need to allow people to help and contribute. I need to work on my mindfulness when it comes to being present. I have this horrible trauma response whereby I constantly have this feeling of wanting things to be over, even good things. It sucks the joy right out of things for me.

I’m a work in progress. And that’s ok.

I got to Scotland!

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I’ve been walking on the Scottish National Trail now for a few days after hanging out in Edinburgh for a few days before that.

I can’t believe I’m here. My friend Kristi helped me get the tickets and I had to haul ass in my van to Portland, where I was flying out of in 2 days time from when I got the tickets.

Thankfully my thru hiker buddies, Ally & Owen, said they’d take my van while I was gone. Man, I have some amazing friends!

Just a day or two out from starting the West Highland Way bit. Then I head into the Highlands!

Not going to lie, I’ve been a lazy ass this last year or three. I haven’t been hiking as much (mostly because I just felt super depressed and nothing seemed to spark joy). I was definitely heading into that dark headspace where I either was going to have to do something epic to snap myself out of it or just get it over with and kill myself.

I kept hoping and telling people about my dream of hiking Scotland and – BAM – I’m here almost as if by magic.

I should be starting or on the West Highland Way by my birthday (12 Sept)! Between this trip , quitting smoking and taking a break from drinking, I keep reminding myself that this is the best present I can give myself.

When you’re suicidal, vices don’t seem to matter because death seems like a reprieve. So taking huge steps to get healthy again is a HUGE step and I have to keep reminding myself on hard days that I’ve already done so much.

Already in the few days on trail, I’ve contemplated oh so much and met so many incredible people, albeit briefly. I have so much to tell you guys but I just got to the hotel and I need to hand wash my clothes and elevate my feet (the section of “trail” I’m on – mostly canal walking – doesn’t have almost any space for bathroom breaks , much less tent camping so I’m having to bleed my bank account for hostels and hotels which is nerve wracking).

I promise to write all my thoughts and more trail details later. For now, here’s some photos. Just wanted to quickly update since my last blog post was about last year’s Scotland plans being cancelled. You can also follow me on Instagram – I try to post stories/videos as frequently as I can.

Love to you all! Hope you’re staying safe out there. ❤️

Tickets are booked!

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My first leg (to Edinburgh) and last leg (from Helsinki back to LAX) are booked! Only paid like $700 for the tickets (added cancellation insurance for another $65 for just in case).

*If anyone is curious about how I check for cheapest flights: I use the ITA Matrix Software to search calendar dates of cheapest flights. It’s best for international flights imo. I’ve used it long before Google bought it. It’s what many travel agents would use. Also Kayak I’ve found to be better than Skyscanner, Expedia, Travelocity and many others. Remember to clear cookies and cache web history when searching because they keep track of your searches and price goes up every time after first time. Budget travel at its finest 😂

Anywayyyyyyssss, yes! It’s now officially the point of no return. I’ve decided, gear wise, to just stick with what I know. Don’t have time to test new gear with this innkeeper job. Thankfully I have almost everything I need already so can put all monies into savings.

Now I need your help! If you’ve been to Inverness, I’m trying to figure out cheap things to see and do in that area (I’ll be flying out of there to Helsinki, Finland, to see family). Comment with all suggestions. Especially if you know of any small weird sights. I love the unusual and less crowded places. Thank you and have a beautiful week!

Oh, forgot to mention, I got a message out of the blue asking if I’d like to cast for Naked & Afraid (the tv show where they drop a man & a woman to some extreme part of the world and see if they can make it 21 days naked ) . Have my first casting interview today. We’ll see how it goes. If it happens, great. If not, that’s ok too. I think the show would be great to show us not so twiggy ladies can be resilient and physically fit. Haven’t seen enough of my curvy body types on that show.

Eeeeekkkk! So so excited! Wish me luck 🤞🏼

Scottish National Trail 2020

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That’s the goal anyway. Looking at a late May/early June start.

Am working in Austin, NV now. Legitimately in the middle of nowhere, Nevada. Here for a bit and saving up. Have so much to figure out.

Do I want to keep with my Brooks Cascadias? Or switch to another pair of shoes which will involve lots more trial runs and figuring out? My new rain gear needs testing. Have to just buy tickets. Want to go see family in Finland after Scotland and still have enough to get back on my feet getting back to the States.

In the meantime, just working every day. Learning more about the hospitality business which is always great. Discovering there’s a world of seasonal hospitality work as innkeepers/etc everywhere so this can be an additional type of work for my traveling/nomadic lifestyle.

People ask how I’m doing and it’s hard for me to answer. Can’t say I’m good (I feel like I’m jinxing it if I say I’m good/great/excellent) but I can’t say I’m bad either. I’m just existing and it’s been nice to be able to be somewhere new and stably while also not abandoning my 2020 travel goals.

Will write more later. Been doing a lot of inner work and working on my own story which I hope to share a bit of soon.

Here are some pics from the last month or two. Weird to think what most people deem a vacation road trip is something I’m accustomed to on the road almost daily. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact so I don’t take it for granted.

My home aka my minivan got into an accident!!! My first ever accident. Got it somewhat fixed (driveable anyway). Before pic on top and after below

Lassen Volcanic National Park

Wanda & Ed at the campground in WA (for water hike/waterfall area) were so lovely. Wanda makes bracelets for all the campers, saying it’s her way of spreading all the love she has for everyone – especially now that she has some medical issues that make it harder to get out there like she used to.

5 years

/ skahlua912 / 7 Comments

Been MIA for a long time. Honestly haven’t felt as if anything I said mattered anyway.

It’s coming up on to 5 years, almost to the day, that I was violently raped by an ex. While that moment broke something inside me and I haven’t been the same since, I think that it also somehow made me realize that even “playing it safe” with a job, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc (being what polite society would consider “normal” essentially), you can still be violated and put in danger.  Before, I was full of anxiety and fear. Even the thought of driving would give me mad anxiety and when I had driving lessons, I’d have panic attacks (not realizing they were that at the time).

What I’m trying to say is that realizing you can’t avoid danger – that it’s going to be coming from everywhere, especially with those you allow close to you. And I have done more in the last 5 years than I have in the 28 years before it having realized that. Let me try to succinctly summarize the last 5 years:

I shaved my head, sold my car I had just paid off, gave up an incredible rent situation, attempted a thru-hike of the PCT (only got 652 miles in before getting injured but still! Pretty fuckin’ cool especially since I got to help collaborate on the coolest podcast “Sounds of the Trail”), lived on the East Coast briefly (visited NY, VT, VA, NC, SC, GA, TN and D.C.), moved back to West Coast, skydived (3 separate times), finally hiked to Havasupai, went to Burning Man, lost a loved one to suicide, rehashed my trauma for the A&E Leah Remini: Scientology the Aftermath show, dipped my toes into vanlifing buying my van while working 2 jobs to save up and go to Europe,  where I walked the 500 mile Camino de Santiago/Way of St. James and met some incredible people who became friends for life, saw family in France and then did that pilgrimage from France into Spain. Fell in love with Spain. Went back to Finland, visited Sweden briefly on the way back to US.

Tried working for Xanterrible at Yellowstone. Concurrently, a national tv episode of me speaking out against the cult I grew up in was about to air, I had a nervous breakdown and a doctor there was kind enough to make me realize I needed help. Went to treatment for about 2 months. Felt a bit better. Went to work with a friend, trimming at his MJ farm in Oregon only to hear my dad was found dead. He’d drunk himself to death and since I was his only child, I had to go back to Finland (this time in the cold cold arctic circle). Stayed with an aunt and her family and saw my father’s side of the family which was awkward since I didn’t know these people. They had never been – nor made any effort to – be in my life. No word from my mom who clearly had shunned me. Saw Northern Lights for the first time which had been on my fuck-et list.

Took my father’s ashes back with me to the States since he’d never been able to visit me. Found a place I could work a little/volunteer in beautiful Oracle, AZ, right next to The Arizona Trail. (High Jinks Ranch), a historical place that Buffalo Bill staked a claim to. The owner was lovely and so empathetic and kind. The Chalet Village Motel – down the hill – owner, Marnie, became like a non-biological mother. I met so many incredible – extraordinary, really – hikers coming through on the trail. I was able to cook for them and have beautiful conversations. I felt like between the nature and these beautiful people, I should be feeling better. I hiked Grand Canyon with my dad’s ashes and did a ton of exploring in AZ at the same time.

But I still felt numb. I dissociate so often that it feels like I’m just experiencing life through some fuzz filter. It’s frustrating being in some of the most beautiful places and just being like “meh”. It’s like my brain can’t process anything too overwhelming. And when it does, my emotional regulation goes out the window and I just burst out from crying at feeling all of the things.

I decided I’d had enough. I’d kill myself for my 33rd birthday, at 3:33am. The final suicide location would be Angel’s Landing. For a few reasons, the main being that I was far from an angel and would be falling. Quite literal but I’m a foreigner so sue me (insert shrug). But I’d do one last roadtrip up the West Coast, into Canada and then down MT, WY & ID and then down through UT to Zion National Park.

So I made a trip from seeing friends in San Diego, CA up the coast, visiting friends in NorCal, OR and exploring WA for the first time. Then I went to Kelowna, visited a hiker friend from the PCT. Him and his wife let me stay there for over a week on their amazing boat house. I made his wife uncomfortable with my death talk so I left. Went to Banff & Glacier National Park (Canada). Definitely must-see places before you die! Went through MT, WY & ID as planned and made it to Southern Utah a week before my birthday only to find out that Angel’s Landing hike was closed due to a mudslide having wiped it out. I honestly didn’t have a plan B and I was out of $$. Then karma came back around and one of the hikers I’d helped whilst in AZ told me of a job in Kanab, UT working as the manager/caretaker of Grand Circle Bed & Breakfast. Within 72 hours, I had the job. And that was great until the reservations guy started to harass me and refused to resolve our conflict. If a place no longer feels safe for me, I’ve learned i need to protect my mental health. The owners were fantastic though and the entire Southern UT area is pure magic. Was sold on moving in with a friend from treatment to start anew only to find out she flat out lied and had fallen off the sobriety wagon hard. So I had driven to the Midwest for nothing. Got to see Iowa, Wisconsin and South Dakota though (SD was amazing).

So now I’m again at a crossroads. Is life even worth living when there is nobody to share that with? I honestly feel Christopher McCandless’ quote so viscerally “Happiness is only real once shared”.  

I’ve told at least 10 people I constantly think of just killing myself. Only 1 has addressed that statement directly with me. And that was a recovering addict who’s been through shit. I’ve had numerous panic attacks in public places where nobody comes to help or assist me in any way.

I wake up daily crying when I realize I’m still alive. My heart races even when there is no danger present. I wake up constantly from the sleep paralysis and nightmares. I’m a sexual person but have anxiety when someone even checks me out.

Nothing gives me true enjoyment. I have tried to eat, hike, kayak, travel, write and drink the pain away and I’ve concluded it’s utterly pointless.

I don’t think there’s room in the world for people like me. You’d think having done such a concentrated amount of living in just 5 years would’ve shaken me alive but it just brings home that maybe I’m too broken.  And living in constant survival mode is draining my soul battery dry daily.

And nobody likes a crybaby.

 

 

 

 

Camino Gear

/ skahlua912 / 2 Comments

Been going back and forth on how to describe my experience. On one hand, I thought about describing every area I walked through, with pictures and witty anecdotes from handwritten journal but then I remembered that I didn’t like to read those myself when planning for the walk since I wanted a truly organic experience without some other persons’ bias and stories in my head.

I decided I’d write it, at least to begin with, in a way I wish others would have written it. With plain facts about gear: what I brought and wish I hadn’t (and ended up sending off) and what I wish I had brought and hadn’t. 

If you read this in preparation for doing your own Camino and are wondering about anything I might have missed or are just curious about something else, don’t hesitate to comment and ask!

I started just before the main heat wave begun smack middle of summer (begun May 11 and completed June 22) and had heard the Pyrenees could be cold so brought my insulated Mountain Hardwear Ghost Whisperer jacket, North Face gloves and Thinsulate hat which I only wore once, climbing the Pyrenees with cold ass gusty winds and never wore any of those again for rest of trip. 

I brought 3 pairs Injinji toe socks (love, love, love Injinji!) which was a bit overkill. Sent one pair off, along with my Ursack bear bag (SO unnecessary, even if camping), compass, my extra bandanna and sun hat (even when sunny, my headband was sufficient and I hate hats so never wore it although I saw plenty of people wearing theirs). I’d also been hoping to cowboy camp along the way, which I didn’t do (the only times I saw chances to do it, rain was in the forecast so, for obvious reasons, decided against it) so sent my tent footprint – which I use under my sleeping pad – off as well.

I did NOT bring my tent for which I was happy about since I probably would’ve used it only once, if that. I was advised by some lovely ladies who’d done their pilgrimage before me so thought I should note that.

I did bring:

1 Nike Dri-Fit pants (best pants ever!)

1 Columbia sport tights (for when I do laundry or when I feel like switching things up)

1 tank top

1 shirt for laundry time

2 pairs of Ex Officio undies which are much much better than regular cotton underwear.

1 pair of Bedrock Sandals for when my foot would swell and would be too painful to walk in my trail runners. Also great for the showers and walking around town. Lightweight and stylish.

1 pair of Brooks Cascadias trail runners (my walking/hiking shoe of choice since it usually accommodates my foot swelling).

1 Buff and another UV headband (didn’t need two in the end since only wore one entire time)

2 pairs of Injinji socks (I switch socks on super hot days to prevent blisters)

1 small Therm a Rest Zlite sleeping pad (not many people need a pad but I elevate my feet every 8km or so and use it constantly)

1 Sleeping Bag (10 degree Zpacks bag so super lightweight)

1 lightweight camping pillow (Sea to Summit Aeros) which honestly probably wasn’t necessary but my neck hated the pillows offered in albergues so I’m glad I brought mine.

1 super lightweight (Deuce of Spades brand) trowel which I didn’t use once but felt good to have, should I have an uncontrollable urge to poop somewhere outdoors.

1 bandanna dangling from pack for pee reasons (or as some lady and on the PCT 2 years ago called it: “vajanky”: like “vagina” and “hanky” Lol).

My trusty Black Diamond trekking poles (brought 2 extra tips for which I was grateful for since I ended up needing them both)

My Osprey Ariel 65L (total overkill on the size by the way but I love my pack too much to trade her for a smaller one I have. I probably could have made a 38L fit).

Osprey pack rain cover

Outdoor Research Helium rain jacket

Electronics: 1 Anker 20,000mAh external battery along with converter and charger for phone and battery. Side note: The 20,00mAh was probably too much. A 10,000mAh would’ve been sufficient. If you’re like me and absolutely have to have phone battery life, it’s worth its weight. Some albergues have very very few outlets to charge on and having an external battery makes life so much easier in the long run in those instances.

I also brought my tele, wide and fisheye lens from Moment for my phone (see my Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/skahlua912 . DEFINITELY worth their weight, in my opinion).

Medical supplies: bottle of ibuprofen, sewing needle and thread (for both blisters and any clothes or gear that might need a stitch), antiseptic towelettes, bandaids and Compheed anti blister pads and some moleskin). Also Electro Mix electrolytes (swear by them…. better than Nuun and other more expensive electrolytes, for me personally anyway). 

Hygienic supplies: to go travel sized toothbrush and paste, Sea to Summit multipurpose soap used as shampoo, body wash AND laundry detergent, rosemary and lavender tonic for cramping, relaxation when able to take baths and to repel bed bugs, coconut oil for hair, face and body lotion, contact lens shit and comb.

Wish I’d brought and ended up buying:

My anti-diarrhea pills/activated charcoal

Smaller, lightweight backpack to use while in towns

Poncho 

More of my favorite protein bars (I could only find muesli or granola bars at the stores in Spain)

Ultimately though, the Camino has services for sending your backpack on to next albergue you plan on staying at so you can bring as much as you want if you’d rather have a more luxurious experience. Or, opposite of that,  if you’d rather have a more minimalistic journey, you could go without more than 1/2 of what I brought and still be fine.

The Camino has stores, albergues, cafes and water stops along with towns throughout the day. Not one day will there be nothing. I prepared a bit more for the backcountry which the Camino is most definitely NOT! Lol

Will write more later about the beautiful people I met along the way and epiphanies I had along the way.

Here are some pics:
The last day, when you first get a peak of the Santiago de Compostela cathedral 👇🏻
The first day, when carrying a bunch of unnecessary stuff and pack is heavy 👇🏻
My sweaty selfie 👇🏻
Blister resolution 😳👇🏻

Blogging the Camino

/ skahlua912 / 1 Comment

I’ve found it to be quite a chore to go back and rehash emotions, thoughts and events each day on the Camino so I’ve been keeping a written journal and have decided to write more on here once actually done.

I’m more than halfway now and should be finishing within 2 weeks. Having gotten sick for almost a week and conking out the last couple of days have set me back but I’m in no real hurry.

I have so many things to say and look forward to updating the blog once done with more specifics and tips, etc.

Rest assured, you will get some exciting posts later! 
Xoxo,

Saina 

Estella, Spain

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I woke up around 3-4am choking. Apparently I’d barfed in my sleep and because I sleep on my back, it started going down the wrong chute. At first, I panicked thinking “this is how I fuckin’ die?!? Choking on my own vomit in a random hotel in Spain?!? How lame!” And then I remembered I’d wanted to die the other day and could just let myself asphyxiate but decided that’s not how I wanted to go and I still need to finish this pilgrimage and see my family in Finland. This entire mental dialogue happened in the space of a second or so and I quickly coughed the acidic barf out and went back to sleep. Fun stuff.

Stuck here for another day. I woke up at 6am to gauge if I could walk and I still could hardly bring myself up to go to the bathroom so decided staying another day. Hopped in the shower and a HUGE thick glob of dark green/yellow snot the size of my hand came out of my nose which actually helped me breathe a lot better. I’d never ever seen that in my life. It was like the size of a clementine. No exaggeration.😳

Finally caught the pharmacy while it was open (they keep weird hours here in this town. They’re like open for 2 hours at random times, once early AM and then late afternoon). Got flu stuff, echinacea, diarrhea pills (yay!) and extra blister stuff just in case. I feel like I’m oversharing some bodily functions here but it’s my blog. If I can’t keep it disgustingly honest here, where can I?

Feeling a lot more positive today. I rarely get sick so this is a bummer but I’m sure it’ll take longer to heal if I’m mentally in a negative space.

Need to download for the previous days which were actually quite pleasant. Will post some of the pics here and put a bit of commentary next to them when able. I will then expound on all that later when more mentally aware (head is pounding at the moment). This is just 2 days of shittiness. The other days were fantastic so really don’t want my blog to represent the sucky part too much. Mentally, I really want to keep walking but my health needs to come first. But I’m not done here. Not by a long shot. I know I can do this. That’s not a question in my mind at all. Sometimes you just need a mental perspective shift.

The people are wonderful that I meet. Just the other day, when I was crying,  sopping wet and freezing from the rain and waiting for the albergue to open, some Italians walked past and offered to sit with me until I was ok which was so nice and made me cry even harder (whenever someone is nice to me when I’m upset, it just makes me cry. I’m more comfortable with people being harsh or ignoring me when upset, as bad as that sounds).

I separated from my walking buddy in Pamplona. Just needed to feel the feelings I was having and I couldn’t do that with someone else around, no matter how lovely. Miss her tons but we agreed it’s best for both of us.

Tried to upload a ton of pics but the wifi sucks at this fancy pants hotel which is frustrating but will just do a separate post when able. The support I’ve received from people on last post was so heartwarming and really, really helped. Thank you!! 
Some road walking (not my favorite but it was still sort of pretty) 👇🏻


This town is super old and this is the view from the rabies bridge (pic of bridge below this one). It used to be said that if you cross it 3 times with animal, they’d be cured of (or never get) rabies. The lepers would also be housed right nearby. Like holy shit, history man! 👇🏻👇🏻

Rabies bridge 👇🏻

Daily Baguette Service in this town! 😄😍👇🏻

Horsies!!!!! 😍😍😍👇🏻



I absolutely loved this day, when a lot of it was in the forests with birds chirping. Absolutely my favorite 👇🏻


Again, have SO many more pictures but unable to download. Been sleeping most of today and can feel my body healing itself so am very happy about that.

Adios for now! ❤️